Monday, August 07, 2006

Now I know I am getting old.

I went shopping in TopShop, Oxford Circus this weekend and was horrified at how young and underfed the models in the display pictures looked.

Rather than inspiring me to buy their clothes in a pique of desperation to achieve that look, I instead headed straight out the door, as who would want to look like a Pre-pubescent Russian crack addict?

It seems that breasts and backsides are now out of fashion, which is unfortunate as the last I checked, 50% of the population came equipped with each.

I was thus forced to spend my hard earned cash on shoes and underwear (at Office and Myla respectively) as neither of these required the use of communal fitting rooms.

I have a love/hate relationship with underwear shopping. Whilst I LOVE to buy new underwear (marginally cheaper than having a crack addiction), I hate all the fuss that goes with it.

For example, there are so many new bras on the market that I never know which I need. Do I want to be pushed up, plunging or lightly padded? What underwear do I want to complete the set? The French knickers won’t look good under anything I own (think VPL) and I drawn the line at having a piece of dental floss pulled up my crack all day.

Plus, I can’t seem to resist the lure of ₤1 Primark pants. It seems that whenever I have compiled a suitably sensational underwear collection, I then go and ruin it by bulk-buying underwear adorned with frolicking kittens, ‘cute’ sayings, or anything that might be considered ‘ironic’ or retro.

In fact, every time I have gotten unexpectedly lucky, I have been wearing said kitten pants, which actually has given me a new found respect for the men in my (sex) life as it cannot be easy to perform when confronted with the sexual equivalent of a stop sign.

There has even been one occasion where sex was withheld due to the nature of my pants. I had been to the Take That concert the night before and was wearing a pair of knickers with the saying “It only takes a minute’ emblazoned across the front. Jayce forced me to change into something sexier as not to offend the ‘Gods of good taste’.

Not only this, but underwear costs a fortune nowadays! The cost of a good bra starts at around ₤20 then you have to get all the matching bits and pieces (times two, as you can never find the matching briefs when you are in a rush).

Embarking on a new relationship also forces these costs to spiral. Heaven forbid Jayce see me in the same underwear set twice! Plus, the idea of someone else seeing your smalls forces you to be ruthless and throw out everything slightly graying, sagging or with poking out underwire. This left me with about three pairs of (non-kitten covered) pants and two bras.

But.. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Primark has actually started to produce some rather nice Agent Provocateur inspired underwear sets. Just make sure you cut out the Primark label (or change it to Primarni with a laundry marker).


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